Is it ok to think this is wrong?

Sorry for the rant I'm new to this site.

I have a friend who's like a brother to me so I'm saying this because I'm a bit worried.
It's about the woman he is with they have Been with each other for about six year's and they have two kid's.
Now for the longest time I've been happy for them especially for my friend who was for the most part alone she is the only woman he has been with.
Why I'm worried is becuase me and him awhile ago was hanging out and he told me how he and his girl meet.
Apparently when he moved out of his parents house he was both happy but alone and as the years when by it only got worse.
As he put it he felt like a ghost and he was getting bitter at seeing others being happy.
He also wanted a family the closer he got to 30 and he felt that he wouldn't get a normal relationship and would die alone.
That's when he started to have an idea he was not sure why the thought came into his head but it did.
He began to think about all the homeless women who are around now from what he told me it was just a thought but when he got to 34 that's when he started looking into it.
As he put he was looking for the most stable women that he could find and thats how he meet his girlfriend.
Apparently he told her she could stay with him he said it took about six months for him to explain to her what he wanted.
As he said to her she owed him and that he would take care of her and as far as I know she has no issues being with him.
She's nice and I didn't even think that she was homeless.
Is this wrong I think it is but at the same time I'm unsure?

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Comments ( 18 ) Sort: best | oldest
  • Sounds like your friend wanted someone he could manipulate into thinking that she was indebted to him. If it's working out fine, and both parties are happy I don't really have a problem, but I still think your friend is one of those people who has control issues.

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    • Thats what I was thinking even though he says nothing is forced it still seems wrong to me. She dose not seemed distressed from the time's ive spoken to her she seems happy. And everyone else also likes her. I want to be happy for him but I think it's wrong that he preyed on a homeless person to get what he wanted.

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      • That last sentence is my exact thought that’s so fucking weird. It’s like he took what was vulnerable and needing help just made it do what he wanted. Like a damn slave. It’s like he never had a girl but when he gets one does it in a way makes her seem like a damn toy. The part of making her feel like she owes him is just messed up. They may be happy now and whatever but no doubt about it that’s a weird ass beginning all sorts of fucked. I’m surprise she went along with it and they’re still together tbh cause such a weird beginning seemes like it wouldn’t have an amazing outcome. Stalking homeless women to find one stableish to slave with kids like she owes him.

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        • Holy shit. This is a smart comment.

          Purposely seeking out vulnerable & desperate women so he can control them? It's so fucked up.

          It SOUNDS like it worked out ok, but if I were you, OP, i would talk to the wife to make sure she is ok & not being abused or something...let her know that she can come to you if she ever feels afraid, because this guy sounds super, super messed up.

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      • Me too.

        Your friend sounds kinda like an incel too.

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  • Some would say the homeless woman was "rescued", and others would say she was a "slave".

    I'd like to know what happened, that she became homeless, in the first place. Drugs, medical expenses, divorce, mental illness, bad luck, abuse, job loss, etc.... ?

    I'd also like to know why your friend didn't seek companionship in the "normal" way. School, workplace, bars, online, softball team, friend-of-a-friend, etc.

    Neither answer is as important, as why they ARE together. . . .

    They share a home, a household, have children together, I assume share parental responsibilities, and household chores, and by all appearances, they seem happy....

    He's no longer alone, and she is no longer homeless. Sounds like a win/win, to me.

    Seems like they are better off, together, than they were, when apart, before they met.... so ....What's the "problem"?

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  • It seems to me that the most important facts are that they're both mature adults (I assume - I don't see where you state her age), you don't mention any abuse of her, him or their kids, and both her and your friend appear to be happy. If any of those things weren't true, then I think you'd have the right to be concerned. But as it is, I think you should keep your opinions to yourself and let them live their lives as best they can.

    I do understand that you find the start of the relationship highly unconventional, but I wonder how many couples you've known who have met in a more normal way and have appeared to be blissfully happy, but then come to a very unpleasant end long before their six-year anniversary.

    As others have said, what he did was risky, but he seems to have chosen astutely. And I agree that what he did was at least borderline exploitative, but it's not like he was some crazed psycho who had her locked up in the basement to abuse and use for breeding. After living with him for six months and having a normal life again, she probably found the idea of having to move back on to the street highly unattractive and so she was under some pressure when he explained what he wanted, but the option to leave was open to her. For whatever reason, she decided to go along with him, and it seems to have worked out for everyone involved.

    You don't say much about her, but for all we know, he might have been the first man she'd ever met who treated her with care and compassion, and there might have been chemistry between them right from the start.

    I suspect you mainly find this situation negative because it was so openly transactional: he offered to give her something in return for her giving him something. We like to believe that's not what relationships should be about, but the truth is that most are in at least some senses; it's just that the deal is usually implied rather than blatantly stated.

    I also have to pick you up the comment you make in your OP about how you didn't know the woman had been homeless because she's a nice person. That implies that you believe homeless people are some sort of subhuman species distinct from ordinary folk. It's a comforting view a lot of people adopt because it means they can blank out homeless people on the street and they can continue believing that there's no chance they'll ever end up there, but it's a delusion, particularly in a dog-eat-dog place like the USA. The truth is that people end up living on the street for all sorts of reasons, and a lot of the time it's not really their fault. As I say, we - and you, it seems - don't know this woman's history, but it's not uncommon for young women to end up homeless because they were being abused by a parent or some other family member, and leaving home was really their only option, even though they had nowhere to go to. That can seriously screw the life-choices open to them, and once you're on the street, it can be very difficult to get back to a normal life. It's also not unusual for women to leave an abusive spouse or partner and end up homeless.

    Your friend lifted her out of that very unpleasant situation, he seems to be capable of making her happy, he's being a good father, and he's happy too. However the relationship started, and whatever the negotiations were that went on between them, it sounds like they have a much more positive life and relationship than lots of couples who meet in more ordinary ways. If you truly are a friend to the guy, you should focus on what's going on in his relationship and family life now, not on how the two of them started on the path to where they currently are.

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  • I understand why your concerned, but I don't think you should be for two reasons.

    First off, I don't think what he did was awful. It was more a risk on his part than hers, and in a way it sounds like he benefited a misfourtunate person. It sounds to me like the both like what they got out of the deal.

    Secondly, I don't think its entirely up to you to judge because it's his life. And even if you think it's wrong, what does that do? They have already been established together and could care less what you think about how they met.

    His intentions may have been bad, but I don't think what he did was bad. Its questionable, and if something bad came out of him seeking a homeless women, I would blame him. But now that he made it this far, I think it's safe to say he got lucky and it worked out. I think it's best if you stop worrying about this.

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  • I don't understand the concern. They have been together for 6 years and they seem happy. Why does the beginning of their relationship matter to you?

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    • It's how he found her which is the problem he basically went for someone who was desperate and used that as a means to get what he wanted. Even if he isnt mistreating her it's still wrong.

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      • How is it wrong? She wasn't forced into anything and right now she isn't being forced to stay.

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  • She owed him for what, exactly?

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    • Basically taking care of her and letting her stay with him in his home. In exchange she had to basically be his girlfriend and gove him kids which they have two of. I've spoken to her a few times and from what I understand he is a good father.

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  • Aaaaaalright if she’s ok with it he was lucky I guess...
    I mean picking someone up from the streets is nice but making her owe him....

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  • Well it's good that you are concerned for your friends welfare. I'm the other hand, he's an adult and can make his own decisions. I would say be happy for him to an extent. If you know of the woman screwing around on him or anything not good in relationships. They really should sit down and talk about what each wants and what each expects of the other. To me it would seem he might be putting the cart before the horse. It's usually unheard of these days for a guy to hook up with the first partner they meet. But in the end, you have his back, just be there when it if he needs to talk.

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