Is it okay to take my own kids out without taking gf and her kid

So I get my kids every other weekend and I work 6 days most weeks. My girlfriend of 3 years giving me grief about going out with my kids and not taking her and her 6 year old attention whore son lol. My kids are 12 and 14 and I would like to spend time with them without the interruptions of a little kid cutting in or just wanting to be heard. I get she likes my kids but they are my kids and I want to spend my 48 hours or so with them not the group.

Is It OK To?
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  • I honestly don't know how people survive in relationships like this lol.

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  • I can completely understand your point of view on this and your kids' desire to spend time with just you, but I can also see where your girlfriend is coming from.

    Families like yours are always complicated and trying to deal fairly with conflicting needs can be difficult.

    It's not clear what exactly you do during your parental contact weekends. If it's a case of your kids coming over to stay with you, your girlfriend and her son, but you and your kids _sometimes_ going out without them, then your girlfriend's attitude seems unreasonable. She should understand that your kids deserve to have some time with their father without any competing demands on his attention.

    I wonder what you do on weekends when you don't have your kids. Given what you say about your work patterns, I wouldn't be surprised if you just want to chill-out. But if it's the case that when it's just you, your girlfriend and her son at home, the three of you do nothing much in particular and the only time you go out it's to deal with routine stuff, but then when your kids are with you, the three of you go out for amazing adventures, then your girlfriend's attitude would be more understandable.

    You refer to your girlfriend's son as an "attention whore" (and the "lol" you add doesn't make that derogatory label any more acceptable). Obviously, I have no idea what relationship, if any, he has with his father or how you and and the kid get along. But it does sound like he's a little boy who craves adult attention - and maybe the attention of a man in particular. You say you've been with your girlfriend for three years, so from the boy's perspective, you've been in his life for a very long time. It wouldn't be at all surprising if you going out without him makes him feel rejected and excluded, and he's jealous of the time your kids get to spend with you, particularly if you're doing things he'd like to do. If he has a crap or non-existent relationship with his own father, that would make it even worse for him. If your girlfriend is a good mother, it would be difficult for her to see this and not be upset.

    Clearly, this is one of those situations where everyone involved has to accept compromises. You have many demands on your time and energy, but only a very limited number of free hours. If your girlfriend's son clearly enjoys spending time with you, maybe you investing a little more effort in one-on-one interactions with him during the week and over weekends when you don't have your kids would make him less unhappy to see you head out the door with your kids. Most six year olds run mainly on instinct and feelings, but it might be possible for him to grasp the point that, just as he has you to himself during the week, your kids have you for themselves on some weekends.

    Kids the age of yours should be capable of understanding why the six year-old (and his mother) would like to do things with the three of you, so maybe there's some room for compromise there too.

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    • Great answer and no his father is not in the picture because of some bad choices he made but they do video chat. I wont lie I do feel a bit of guilt when I go out with just my gf and her son because my own children are not their to enjoy it with me. The attention whore comment was just to add a since of how he is always in look at me mode. He sometimes will call my name when I answer he will think of a question to ask because he had nothing to say just wanted eyes on him. So yes I spend way more time with them (gf and her son) then my own children. So sometimes not all the time we go out to lunch or train jiu jitsu and have a blast but not because we did something crazy expensive but because of our bond every where we go is a good time because my hearts in it and I miss them. I know it's not the same when I'm out bowling with them but that's guilt not because I dont like them.

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      • I'm well aware of how exasperating - and exhausting- that "look at me" phase of childhood can be. Our daughter is now eleven, but it seemed to take her ages to get past that.

        I don't know how serious you are about your girlfriend, but you're clearly an important part of her boy's life for now. You're not his biological father, but you've been the main male figure for half of his life, and some of the most important years at that. As I'm sure you realise, boys can be hugely affected by male role-models in their childhood, regardless of whether there's any genetic or legal bond between the man and boy. So, like it or not, how you are with the kid and the messages you give him, spoken and unspoken, will very likely have an influence on the course his life takes.

        I know it's easy to say, but guilt really isn't a very positive or useful emotion, particularly when there's nothing you can do to change the reality that leads to you feeling guilty. Whatever happened between you and the mother of your children, that's water over the dam, you're all where you are now, you're clearly doing your best by everyone involved, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. I'd suggest you do your very best not to allow those guilty feelings to creep in when you're out with your girlfriend and her son. Kids are very perceptive, even if they don't have the life-experience to express what they're perceiving, and the boy may well be picking up that you're not particularly happy to be with him and his mother. He won't have the emotional maturity to understand why that is; all he'll know is that your heart isn't totally in whatever you're doing with him, and it would be normal for him to assume that's because of who he is or something he's done or not done, not because of stuff going in your head relating to your children.

        I know it sounds all slushy and wishy washy, but maybe you should try to focus on the fact that, even though you're not able to be a huge part of your own children's lives, there is a kid in your life who needs you, and it sounds like you're able to be a more positive male role-model for him than his biological father would ever have been. That's challenging and you clearly have no moral or legal duty to take it on, but it might make you feel generally better about yourself if you knew you were being as good a sorta-dad as you could be, as well as the best father you can be to your own children.

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        • This is the problem with that I dont treat him poorly, he wants for nothing. I potty trained him, showed him to ride a bike made him learn his ABC. I spend way more time with him than my own son and that wounds me. So on my weekends with my little ones I choose to entertain them, talk to them about middle school and high school. I believe and I could be wrong that I laugh more smile more come alive more with them there but its bc I miss them. I dont see them everyday anymore. (They moved about a year ago) sucks to be told I'm being selfish and to focus on another guy spawn more than my own during small windows a month. To be honest my mental health is more important than hers or his.

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  • Premarital sex isn’t so fun now, is it?

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    • Actually it's the best because once I have my fill i can send her on her way any keep all my stuff and my pay for a kid that's not mine .... more than i already do.

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  • Yes, of course it's okay. It's healthy for you and your kids to spend some time together with just you guys and no one else. As a stepchild, I always really needed time with just my parents and I. It can really rock a kid's world to bring new people into their family (and most of the time when the kids are older when the new people are introduced, they are never really "family" to them), and not being allowed time with just them and their real parents can hurt them.

    Your girlfriend needs to realize that you and your kids need quality time together without anyone else.

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    • I believe the same but she feels as if I'm splitting the family up us vs them. Which I dont get bc I dont care to be apart of everything her and her son do.

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      • Try to explain to her that it's not splitting up the family to have quality time with just you and your children sometimes. It's much needed and keeps the relationships healthy. Honestly, I've never met any family, even a non-blended one, where everyone wants to do everything together all of the time, and I don't think it would be healthy, either. It's very normal to have time with just one or a few family members and not splitting up the family at all. I sometimes go to lunch with just my dad or just my mom, and my stepparents and step-siblings think nothing of it.

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